RPC-003-J

2

beta

Item #: RPC-003-J

Object Class: Beta because the object is being a fucking beta about it

Containment Protocols: RPC-003-J is free to roam Site-██ with the exclusion of restrooms containing showers and/or hair hygiene products. If, however the entity enters restricted areas it is to be insulted1 or in extreme cases slapped with a rolled-up towel until it leaves. At least two security guards armed with deodorant are to be stationed outside of RPC-003-J's bathroom2 after RPC-003-J finishes its work and returns to its filthy fucking cave he calls a room dwelling. The security guards are to spray the entity with the content of their deodorant cans every time the entity leaves the shower.

Description: RPC-003-J is an ape-like humanoid with several anomalous properties. The entity is 1,70m in circumference tall, weighs 98kg making it so obese that it is theorized to be an anomaly in itself.
The entity shows an almost sexual fascination with hygiene products and uses them profusely without noticeable effect.3
Its primary anomalous property is the ability to spend exorbiant amounts of time in the shower of up to two (2) entire goddamn hours. It is theorized that RPC-003-J creates a space-time bubble when under the shower which disrupts the flow of time, making it pass slower inside. This is confirmed by the fact that when asked not to spend so much time in the bathroom, the entity shows confusion and claims to be spending "15 minutes max".
On the frequently occuring occasion that the entity takes a shower a collection of items, hereafter reffered to as RPC-003-01-J spontaneously manifest in the siphon of the shower. Instances of RPC-003-01-J take the form of among others: human scalp, pubic and armpit hair; trace amounts of urine and feces; shame; dandruff and [REDACTED]. They display a cognitohazardous effect on RPC-003-J, as when confronted about them, the entity claims that he "doesn't know what you're talking about" even under pressure and threats.4
In the circumstance that RPC-003-J's flatmate5 attempts to utilize the bathroom while having limited time to spare, the entity senses his intentions and immediately scrambles to reach the shower. Multiple tests have shown that in this state the entity picks up speeds almost as high as 35 km/h. To date all attempts to reach the bathroom quicker than the entity have ended in failure. The amount of time RPC-003-J spends in the shower is proportional to the importance of the event that the victim has to take part in.6

Addendum: Following Interview 003-01 Researcher Kowalski was reprimanded for his unauthorized attempt to neutralize RPC-003-J.

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